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Bimbotic Bird Hater!

Ramblings of a randomness junkie

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Relief...

After the invigilator collected my paper...I was walking on air! Never in my life have I felt so relieved! And the best thing was that when I walked out...i see Krys and Hiza waiting outside for me...all smiles! Oh BTW...yesterday's paper was common law...both contract and tort! It was not as bad as I had expected. There are just soooooo many cases and legal principles and you never know what's going to come out. It's over...that's what matters now. The next exams are SII and IPG (urgh...why did i ever do socio?) though it feels as if I've finished exams after yesterday's exam.

Ooh...saw this cute blonde guy with blue eyes yesterday at the Arts centre...he looked terribly worried and despondent. He looked as if he hadn't studied...and he asked us what time the exam was. But man was he gorgeous...blonde hair...blue eyes...nice bod... I think I have a penchant for well built blonde guys with blue eyes.

Well...after the exam...basically wasted the whole time. Me and Krys decided to download Mean Girl (Lindsay Lohan). Haha...a terribly bimbotic, teen-flick but i thought it was hilarious...the ending was quite stewpeed. Haha...one of these bimbotic girl was hilarious. She claimed she had psychic, perceptual powers...'I have ESPn'! What a bimbo! Hee Hee!

Anyway...me and Krys had a long discussion about guys. HAHA... I've learnt something since being at Warwick... there are 3 tests to pass in order to determine whether that guy is right for you. Firstly, let's be realistic...LOOKS! Puh-leeze...people who don't know you judge you upon your looks. It's not a high priority but it is a first. Secondly, personality...he may be like the most gorgeous guy but the most himbotic person...but if he passes this...there's another requirement...COMPATIBILITY! Haha...he may be the nicest person you've ever met...but you may need someone feisty. Haha...kinda impossible to get such a guy coz then u'd be looking at the ultimate PERFECT guy. Haha...then we were thinking how love can change a person. I mean in a good way... :) Oh well... Then I was telling Krys how I don't think I'd have survived the first warwick year without the people who I chill with. Life would be mundane... but it was groovy and nwo tha first year is about to come to an end. No more Whitefields 14...oh well!! GOnna start my geekhood in september. Haa Haa! Oh well...







Sunday, May 16, 2004

I seriously can't handle this anymore


I'm the worst daughter any mother or father could ever have. I just can't seem to conform the religious demands expected of me back home. I absolutely HATE lying to my parents about being an "active" Christian here in UK. Today...they called and before they could ask the same question they ask all the time...I said i was sick. It was partially true...but then my mum didnt sound too happy. The truth is...the whole time I've been here in UK...since September...I've only been to church...TWICE. I just can't seem to agree with the idea of a conformed religion and practising EVERY word stated in the Bible. I do believe in certain principles...and yes I do believe in the existence of a God...but that is something beyond human comprehension...that is what I believe in. I'm definitely not condemning anyone else's religion. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion...yes...you may disagree...but all I'm asking is respect. I've been brought up to believe in the doctrines of Christianity and that Jesus is our Saviour. I've been through that for like what...18 years...but I still cant grasp onto the essence of it. For me...I feel that ultimately...it's not God...but rather how one lives life and makes the best of it. It's about survival...in a way.

In a way, people here are very different from home. My father is a minister of a church and so are my grandparents and other relatives. So, if I confess my religious viewpoint...my parents will be shamed. Yes...because naturally, my father conveys the message of God...he will be deemed a hypocrite. If I ever leave the church...his message will be meaningless and members will hold it against him and my mom. Ironic isn't it? Church...a place where members are supposed to be connected with one another...sometimes...it appears to me that human nature possesses the better of some of the members. I mean let's be realistic here, as humans...we're generally selfish...but to differentiate...it's the extent of selfishness that sets us apart from one another. I believe...the Bible is definitely a rulebook which instructs...sometimes...it expects the most difficult...like...to love one's enemies. THis is a very difficult instruction. Members in back in church believe that once you dont follow one rule...you're deemed a hypocrite. Wake up people and smell the roses! We're all humans and we're all born with shortcomings...NO ONE is perfect. The thing i particularly dislike about that church is that they've created a measure of religiousity...and to succeed in this religiousity... one has to often spend time in church as well as 'serving the Lord' (such as participating in activities which is for the benefit of the Church). That is the so-called set way. That's how it's been revealed to me. I'm sorry...but I dont attain any sense of personal fulfillment from this. To me, it's meaningless due to my beliefs...yet somehow I know how believers feel...they have this sense of satisfaction and fulfillment because they are serving something they believe in; something they love so much. I can't explain it but I kind of understand. For me, it's different...it's because of this disbelief that I can't enjoy such feelings.

This is my take. Lately...it's been messing me around. It used to bug me too...but never THIS bad. I don't think I can lie any much longer...I cant. I'm too afraid of the consequences...for them...religion supersedes everything else. And there was once...my mum threatened that she would haul me back here if she ever found out that i wasnt going to church. I feel horrible...my parents have invested a lot of money for my education over here and they are the world's BEST parents...they've given me so much love and worked so incredibly hard to create so many opportunites for me...and yet I cant make them happy...instead I disappoint them by not going to church... It's just that everytime I go to church...I feel guilty because I know I'm living a lie...pretending to be all good and holy. I feel terribly suffocated...I just don't feel peaceful. What is wrong with me? I am a headstrong person, unfortunately. I don't know. I really dont know what to do. This is one reason why I don't want to go back to Malaysia... I'll be expected to attend church thrice a week and this is already like difficult...I just dont feel comfortable. I can't handle it...and since I'm on holiday...I'll be expected to participate in church activities and I cant say no because if I love the Lord, and i want to serve him...i should support the church and serve the Lord. My mum, being the editor of the church magazine tells me I should contribute articles to the magazine on my life experiences in Uk and how I got thru them with the help of GOd but I'm always saying no...because I just cant bring myself to do it. I just can't...it's just wrong for me to do such things. I know that someday when I cant take it anymore...everything's going to slip out and I can't bear to think of the consequences. What if my whole family disowns me? Worst of all, what will happen to my parents and other relatives? My dad will be shamed...and publicly humiliated along with my mum. People look up to them as role models. *Sigh*...I really cant be bothered what people think about me...I wish that people could understand that my parents have done the BEST they can to bring me up that way but ulitmately, it is up to ME. I wish I could bear their humiliation and people could berate me...because I'm thick-skinned...I dont care what members have to say. Oh God...what am I going to do?







Tuesday, May 04, 2004

4 seasons in a day

Today...I think i saw every sort of weather there was. There were thunderstorms...followed by nice sunshine...and all of a sudden...a cloudy sky...then a short hail storm...and sunshine....now i think it's back to being cloudy! British weather is unpredictable!





Terrible Day

Yesterday was a terrible day. Firstly...I was in a dilemma...ermm...didnt know whether to see this guy again or not. He said he had fun...but then...to me he just seemed plain bored. I know he's a sincere and genuine person...but if there's no connection...then it's no point going on right? On MSN...he told me that he wanted to say so many things to my face but he couldn't... He's such a different person on MSN... People tell me that i shouldnt go out with him because i feel sorry. But then on the other hand, others have been saying that he might open up if I give him a second chance and I might actually like him then. I still don't know what to do... Actually...I was guilt ridden because we were supposed to go out for a movie in the afternoon...but then i cancelled at the last minute... He needs to drive 45 minutes just to see me...and don't forget...yesterday was a bank holiday...and i just thought it'd be better if i spent some time studying...he seemed really upset... and as usual...I felt shite...

It was frustrating! And then later...I was viciously accused of something i didnt do by a 'friend'. I asked what I had done...but he kept on lambasting me and i couldnt take it anymore...i just hung up on him. My MSN Messenger takes a while to load...and before i could change my status to 'Away'...he sent me a message saying he was sorry but he still wouldnt explain what had brought on these accusations and then later at night...i asked whether his mind had conjured up images which led to such accusations or whether someone had told him something. He said it was the latter and he didnt want to talk about it. Oh well...I just didnt have the energy to force it out of him..

Then...got a message from Gary saying that Harvin, one of our A-Levels classmate passed away... *SigH* When I heard it...i was shocked... I just couldnt believe it. I'd never imagine it'd EVER happen to anyone from PL-1! I absolutely loved PL-1 and can't EVER imagine what it'd be like without ANY one of the 27 awesome people...Gawd...It's just so hard to believe that he's gone. Just like that...without any warning whatsoever. I know it happens to a lot of people...but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined anyone from PL-1 gone... This is so shitty! Life is so fragile... He had so much ahead of him. I think I deserved to go more than he did... I mean there are times when i've contemplated suicide... You don't really appreaciate something until you've lost it. I wasn't exactly close to him...but still...it's just taught me that I need to appreciate life more and live it to the fullest... Life is so short...you never know when your time is up... Anyway...I just wanna say a few things...to those who I know but I don't keep in touch with...thank you for coming into my life and enriching it...to those who are still friends with me...I luv ya all to bits and I seriously don't know how I would get through each day without any of you...thank you for everything...and to the rest...live each day to the fullest...carpe diem...you never know what's ahead of you! Remember...no matter how much people put you down...you're all wonderful in your unique ways and your individuality is what sets you apart from others. You're all special in your own ways!







Sunday, May 02, 2004

Exam Periods are NOT helpful

I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time! For one thing, nothing amazing, nor interesting happened in my life. And everyday...with the dreary and depressing British weather...i don't feel like going out instead, I'd rather stay cooped up in my room :) Haha...how sad am I? Yes I know...PATHETIC!

Exams are nearing...and yes I am afraid of failing my exams and I damn well know that I should start revising but that hasn't materialise! Oh shite...I have started a wee bit...but that's not sufficient...gotta really, really push myself this week! Hopefully, I'll complete at least law by these 2 weeks... But i know that instead I'll be watching Will and Grace! Tsk Tsk...so ashamed of myself!

Was supposed to go to Birm for a day of shopping with Hiza, Krys, Robbie and Ben...but i ditched them...because i WOKE up with a tummy ache...and I didnt feel too well. Honest!! Oh well...I'm thinking of all the cash I saved! Haha!! Although i really wanted to get a skirt! Clothes here are so pretty!! Lardeedar! I'm not going to say I love spring because right now...the weather is horrendously FRIGID! DAMN the weather! I love spring when it's sunny!! Lar lar Lar! :) Later...had dinner with a friend and watched Kill Bill 2! I preferred the first one... Am going to watch it with another friend again because I promised him i would! But overall...i didnt mind it.

Well...any takers for Top B this Monday?? Please say yes!! Because I'm going...I'm actually meeting a friend there! Come...it'll be all good :) Haha...although I know that only my housemates are fond of Top B! Haha...they are sooooo loyal to Top B! It's sooooo cute! I luv all my housemates to bits (yes...I've mentioned this before) but they are the world's MOST AWESOME people! *MuaKZ*

Ermm...what am I going to do today?? Need to go to Tesco...and then maybe Frisbee tossing? I don't know? Lardeedar! Alright...this is a boring post...