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Bimbotic Bird Hater!

Ramblings of a randomness junkie

Sunday, May 16, 2004

I seriously can't handle this anymore


I'm the worst daughter any mother or father could ever have. I just can't seem to conform the religious demands expected of me back home. I absolutely HATE lying to my parents about being an "active" Christian here in UK. Today...they called and before they could ask the same question they ask all the time...I said i was sick. It was partially true...but then my mum didnt sound too happy. The truth is...the whole time I've been here in UK...since September...I've only been to church...TWICE. I just can't seem to agree with the idea of a conformed religion and practising EVERY word stated in the Bible. I do believe in certain principles...and yes I do believe in the existence of a God...but that is something beyond human comprehension...that is what I believe in. I'm definitely not condemning anyone else's religion. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion...yes...you may disagree...but all I'm asking is respect. I've been brought up to believe in the doctrines of Christianity and that Jesus is our Saviour. I've been through that for like what...18 years...but I still cant grasp onto the essence of it. For me...I feel that ultimately...it's not God...but rather how one lives life and makes the best of it. It's about survival...in a way.

In a way, people here are very different from home. My father is a minister of a church and so are my grandparents and other relatives. So, if I confess my religious viewpoint...my parents will be shamed. Yes...because naturally, my father conveys the message of God...he will be deemed a hypocrite. If I ever leave the church...his message will be meaningless and members will hold it against him and my mom. Ironic isn't it? Church...a place where members are supposed to be connected with one another...sometimes...it appears to me that human nature possesses the better of some of the members. I mean let's be realistic here, as humans...we're generally selfish...but to differentiate...it's the extent of selfishness that sets us apart from one another. I believe...the Bible is definitely a rulebook which instructs...sometimes...it expects the most difficult...like...to love one's enemies. THis is a very difficult instruction. Members in back in church believe that once you dont follow one rule...you're deemed a hypocrite. Wake up people and smell the roses! We're all humans and we're all born with shortcomings...NO ONE is perfect. The thing i particularly dislike about that church is that they've created a measure of religiousity...and to succeed in this religiousity... one has to often spend time in church as well as 'serving the Lord' (such as participating in activities which is for the benefit of the Church). That is the so-called set way. That's how it's been revealed to me. I'm sorry...but I dont attain any sense of personal fulfillment from this. To me, it's meaningless due to my beliefs...yet somehow I know how believers feel...they have this sense of satisfaction and fulfillment because they are serving something they believe in; something they love so much. I can't explain it but I kind of understand. For me, it's different...it's because of this disbelief that I can't enjoy such feelings.

This is my take. Lately...it's been messing me around. It used to bug me too...but never THIS bad. I don't think I can lie any much longer...I cant. I'm too afraid of the consequences...for them...religion supersedes everything else. And there was once...my mum threatened that she would haul me back here if she ever found out that i wasnt going to church. I feel horrible...my parents have invested a lot of money for my education over here and they are the world's BEST parents...they've given me so much love and worked so incredibly hard to create so many opportunites for me...and yet I cant make them happy...instead I disappoint them by not going to church... It's just that everytime I go to church...I feel guilty because I know I'm living a lie...pretending to be all good and holy. I feel terribly suffocated...I just don't feel peaceful. What is wrong with me? I am a headstrong person, unfortunately. I don't know. I really dont know what to do. This is one reason why I don't want to go back to Malaysia... I'll be expected to attend church thrice a week and this is already like difficult...I just dont feel comfortable. I can't handle it...and since I'm on holiday...I'll be expected to participate in church activities and I cant say no because if I love the Lord, and i want to serve him...i should support the church and serve the Lord. My mum, being the editor of the church magazine tells me I should contribute articles to the magazine on my life experiences in Uk and how I got thru them with the help of GOd but I'm always saying no...because I just cant bring myself to do it. I just can't...it's just wrong for me to do such things. I know that someday when I cant take it anymore...everything's going to slip out and I can't bear to think of the consequences. What if my whole family disowns me? Worst of all, what will happen to my parents and other relatives? My dad will be shamed...and publicly humiliated along with my mum. People look up to them as role models. *Sigh*...I really cant be bothered what people think about me...I wish that people could understand that my parents have done the BEST they can to bring me up that way but ulitmately, it is up to ME. I wish I could bear their humiliation and people could berate me...because I'm thick-skinned...I dont care what members have to say. Oh God...what am I going to do?







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