http://www.makepovertyhistory.org

Bimbotic Bird Hater!

Ramblings of a randomness junkie

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

One down and the cycle of chewed pens...

Finished my property exam! Phew...went pretty ok I must say though it was a real bitch writing. Transeferring ideas onto the paper took an awfully long time and it really took me a while to get properly constructed sentences onto the damn booklet. Hmphhh...man... Ive got 4 more exams and I've lost the will to study..........Hahaha. Ack.....criminal law next...then..arghhh...Constitutional and Administrative on Tuesday, followed by EU on a Wednesday morning and CCC (*%^&$^%) on Thursday...then...I'll be EMANCIPATED...FREE FROM THE BONDS OF EXAMS!! Man...this week is going to pass pretty quickly...Can you believe it? I finish next Thursday! Ack! I seriously hope I'll score a 2:1 for property...PLEASE! I am soooo in need of 2:1s! *Yawn*

Oh and I think I have teeth like a lion's...or maybe its the cheap quality of plastic used in Sainsbury's 'Low Price' Pens (10 for 35 pence- what a steal!). Yesterday, I bit my pen cover till it broke...and of course I threw it away...and then unconsciously...I bit the top of my pen...and that broke too... Ermm... And then had to use a new pen. During the exam today, I nearly devoured another cap. Tsk tsk...hee hee... Yes...and maybe later I'll bite the top and break the pen. And the cycle starts again. Gosh...blogging about pens...I am in desperate need of a social life!!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Sarah's a vindictive biatch

This entry is specially dedicated to Sarah Tan Weilin...

Sarah Tan....
Hmphhhhh
The Bane of my existence...
She likes to fabricate things I say when I soooooooooooooooooooooooooo didn't say them
She has poor crediibility....
AND....she is a cheap strumpet too... (I think that sums it ALL)
I dont like being too graphic...
Hmphhhhh...



In my defence...I am sleep deprived!

A Bird Revolution?

I think there's bird stuck in my chimney...I hear cooing coming from my fireplace... No seriously...I am NOT imagining things! A bird!! My worst nightmare...in my ROOM! Can you imagine? Though I havent slept in my room for 2 nights...I am petrified! What if I sleep and am awoken by a grotesque creature fluttering frantically...ACK! THe proximity would just kill me! I think I would jump out of my skin! I do not feel at ease being alseep in my room anymore...Ack! Oh the fear! I promise...I am NOT imagining things... I DETEST BIRDS...hmphh...the evil, evil, evil creatures. Let me remind you...birds are deceiving and conniving creatures I tell you... they may seem like the most bimbotic things ever...but...beware! They'll seize the opportunity to make one's life a living hell by not keeping their distance! I know so! Grrrrrrrrrrrr... such abhorrent things!

Hmm... I was asked whether Big Bird instilled any fear in me... No... Why? Because Big Bird personifies some amiable old lady with very blonde hair and loud leggings (think bright pink and blue stripes)! How cute! And...also...I've never seen a yellow bird... Hmm...I conclude Sesame Street's representation of birds arent too accurate I must say! Please, do you get birds taller than the average adult? Hmm...Kids' shows...Trying to sugarcoat everything... Tsk Tsk! Stop with idealism...whip out reality I say!

So...
REMEMBER! Big Bird is just a delusion...In actual fact...birds are preying at every corner ready to flutter and launch attack! They're vindictive creatures... Remember...BIRDS ARE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!

Though...now I do wonder...maybe not in our livetimes...What IF BIRDS do mutate...and they actually do grow into these GIGANTIC creatures? And...with their malevolence and their vengeful nature...they persevere to conquer the human world (Think I-Robots but instead of robots...ENORMOUS birds)! All the pecking...All the fluttering...All the feathers...All the cooing...All the breaks! ARGHHHHHHHH....GET ME OUT OF THIS! I feel claustrophobic! *Choke!*

HMPH!!!! This is why I think people should STOP FEEDING THE DAMN CREATURES! We need to debilitate their potential to endanger the human race...QUICK! Before it's too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh...A Bird Revolution?! No...I must be dreaming...Arghhh...someone wake me up!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Current State of Mind...

Today was the most unproductive day. But I need to get over it and move on and stop wallowing. I really do. I am going to do what I can do within these 2 weeks. Screw others...exams are about me, not others. And as a friend said, 'Exams are not the end of the world'. Exams do not define my intellectual capabilities as I have been conditioned to believe... Intelligence is about so much more...

But anyway, I am going to do the BEST I can these 2 weeks remaining... If my best isn't enough for others...tough shit. The only people I'm afraid of disappointing now are my parents but even they are just telling me to do what I can manage...not to kill myself... And for some reason...I am pretty convinced that they do want my BEST and nothing more... I always thought the phrase 'Do Your Best' was so wfully cliched...but now...somehow...I appreciate the true meaning of it...

I was a sleep-deprived and over-emotional person today... It was as if these demons were possessing my mind and my faculty of reason was paralysed by sheer fear... I think I am mentlly exhausted...and so is everyone else...but I have never felt so much fear in my life... and some just think I'm putting myself through immense but unecessary pressure... But from tomorrow...that's going to change...I will do my best!

Also, my ability to think had been obscured by sleep deprivation. Wow...I never ever realised the miraculous effects of sleep! Like seriously...8 hours can do soooo much for a person who's been getting an average of 5-6 hours a night... I just had a nap for 2-3 hours. However, I am still having a headache...and I might go back to bed just after I finish Rape (topic for criminal law).

Gosh...and I thought I was ok this year...well..ya never know... I am going to get over it. I shall NOT succumb to defeat!! No! And I shall stop talking to certain people for my own good... And to those exam-takers...GOOD LUCK...and TRY YOUR BEST!

Friday, May 13, 2005

The Aftermath of Sleep Deprivation, PMS, Stress and Incompetence

I am drained...mentally and physically spent. I am on the verge of a breakdown. I want to seek the solace of my room. But I can't. There are so many things I have yet to do...and it's too late to go back by bus (Coventry: DODGY- A girl was sexually assaulted around my area about two weeks ago). Right now, everything seems overwhelming and BEYOND my comprehension. Seriously, I need to scream right now...no...seriously...I do...

My whole day has been occupied with Easements, when I should have progressed to the first chapter of CCC and COMPLETED it. I F***ING HATE THE BLOODY LAW! I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW! Yes...I am in frustrated biatch mode...WATCH OUT! Oh wow... and being conditioned to believe that 2:1s are way out of reach... Everything is crashing down on me...including the HUGE bill that I will be slapped with for the grill fire that I caused last week...I am expecting it to amount to a hefty sum of £70...which will automatically mean that I will no longer be going to Prague. *Sigh*...that's probably the tenth sigh in an hour...

Maybe, what I need is a good kick to get me moving. I don't know...Nothing can be of any motivation to me right now...well...there is one thing but that's never going to happen...so it's best not to even venture that. Man...the combination of many trivialities can build into one huge billow of doom...DOOM...I AM DOOMED!

Yes, indeed I am f***ed, yet here I am lamenting. I do bring it upon myself... So what's the aftermath of a sleep deprived, stressed, incompetent, PMS-ie and over emotional person? Me right now....!!

Saying hello to reality

As the exams loom nearer, I cannot help but ask myself, what have I gotten myself into? Indeed, doubts of competence seep in and snowballs into this major question that lurks at every corner of my mind...WHY DID I CHOOSE TO STUDY LAW?!!

Looking back at the days of the UCAS application (where I had changed my various applications from Accounting and Finance to Law), I realise, I hadn't really put much thought into what I was getting myself into. Then again, did I even recognise the harsh realities of the world? No. I was merely studying because everyone studies back in Malaysia, if not you'd just be stuck in the lower ranks of people (Think ASIAN mentality!). Thus following this 'trend' and coming from a family which affirms that education (in every way of the coventional sense) is the highest priority; I chose to 'pursue' law. Hmmm...not surprisingly...another very common choice amongst us.

Only today, as I am near the end of my penultimate year, I choose to embark on the topic of WHY LAW? Yes, I know it's a little late to be asking that question, but I do want to try and comprehend with what I was thinking at that time. Was I even thinking? To tell you the truth, I have never been passionate about law. However, I knew all along that I was headed in THAT direction. Traditionally law has always been a well-respected profession. However, today, I cannot seem to acquire the same respect for the subject nor the profession as I once devoutly admired it. Well...let's just say that that perception has been eradicated by the masses of lawyers being mass-prodeuced in every part of the world. Sadly, I might be a prospective common 'product'. This is one aspect that truly worries me...yes...I have changed so much that I've possibly contemplated seeing a psychiatrist for fear of dementia. I attribute the change to one thing- WHY HASN'T LIFE TURNED OUT THE WAY I WAS MADE TO BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD? *Gasp* I've been deluded...Travesty... I know...

I suppose you could say that I've metamorphosed into a frigid cynic and skeptic ever since coming to this country, and having had my naievity battered and bruised by the harsh realities of life. This period of transition was indeed one of the most challenging periods I have ever had to go through (I admit, I am weak). Hmm...the effects of an extremely puritanical upbringing combined with a very liberal education. What is the consequence? An utterly flummoxed individual whom wishes for that simplicity that was once there, yet knows that ultimately, complexity will prevail.

I thought attaining an education would have made me a brighter person and thus sharpen my confidence. Ashamedly, I feel nothing but incompetent and dubious. On a daily basis, no, make that hourly basis, my confidence plummets as I stop to venerate (yes...venerate) the accomplishments of my peers and of other students. I can't help but feel threatened by these people. As I reflect on my accomplishments, they seem so trivial and insignificant compared to what a lot of people have achieved. A part of me knows I can do more than what I am currently achieving. I wonder, am I utilising my potential to the maximum? Or is this all I have been destined to be? Sheer complacency, is in my opinion, the much simpler option- you can never go wrong there; basically you can never FAIL. As I dwell further on this, I realise that I do not utilise my potential in any way that will jeopardise this complacency whose mould I have grown comfortable with. I have known no failure nor success I am a superficial and shallow person; I detest criticism and I absolutely fear failure. Yes, I believe, it all boils down to me... I know this is probably why I always waver and wallow. I never believed how you were your own worst enemy, but now I start to see this in myself. And I affirm...I am my OWN worst enemy.

It is safe to say that on a certain level, I am of the same intellectual calibre as other law students, but what I believe give these students an edge is their passion and zeal for the subject. This is what I believe is the key to success...the essence which I am truly lacking. How does one discover their true passion? I wish I knew. OK...there I go again sourcing for excuses not to do well. To a certain extent, although I know this is indeed a genuine issue which is of great concern, on another level I know I can use this for an excuse if I fail. Yes, I know, I should STOP wallowing in self-pity and MOVE ON! After all, I am Malaysian, so I should prioritise exams at the highest for now. Haha...ok...sorry...terrible stereoptype. And after that, I'll be able to occupy my law-vacated brain with this issue. Here's another flaw of mine; deviating from what should be the crucial focus in my life right now...exams. Yet, I choose to maintain that procrastination is natural.

I had been living in my own bubble for 20 such years. To this day, I am still intrigued as to how I got through life being the way I was, sheltered, naive and idealistic. The combination which will get you nowhere in the life that my parents or that I envisaged...ok...perhaps in a Sonia Utopia where everyone would be relaxed and no one would ever have to work. Despite all this, I am still struggling to grapple with the overwhelming pace of life and the havoc that reality wreaks. I need to stop over-analysing myself and move on. Yes, what my friend said was true, I need to say hello to reality. I've worked it out. It's ironically very simple, I have to embrace what ultimately inevitable...REALITY