Bimbotic Bird Hater!

Ramblings of a randomness junkie

Friday, May 13, 2005

Saying hello to reality

As the exams loom nearer, I cannot help but ask myself, what have I gotten myself into? Indeed, doubts of competence seep in and snowballs into this major question that lurks at every corner of my mind...WHY DID I CHOOSE TO STUDY LAW?!!

Looking back at the days of the UCAS application (where I had changed my various applications from Accounting and Finance to Law), I realise, I hadn't really put much thought into what I was getting myself into. Then again, did I even recognise the harsh realities of the world? No. I was merely studying because everyone studies back in Malaysia, if not you'd just be stuck in the lower ranks of people (Think ASIAN mentality!). Thus following this 'trend' and coming from a family which affirms that education (in every way of the coventional sense) is the highest priority; I chose to 'pursue' law. Hmmm...not surprisingly...another very common choice amongst us.

Only today, as I am near the end of my penultimate year, I choose to embark on the topic of WHY LAW? Yes, I know it's a little late to be asking that question, but I do want to try and comprehend with what I was thinking at that time. Was I even thinking? To tell you the truth, I have never been passionate about law. However, I knew all along that I was headed in THAT direction. Traditionally law has always been a well-respected profession. However, today, I cannot seem to acquire the same respect for the subject nor the profession as I once devoutly admired it. Well...let's just say that that perception has been eradicated by the masses of lawyers being mass-prodeuced in every part of the world. Sadly, I might be a prospective common 'product'. This is one aspect that truly worries me...yes...I have changed so much that I've possibly contemplated seeing a psychiatrist for fear of dementia. I attribute the change to one thing- WHY HASN'T LIFE TURNED OUT THE WAY I WAS MADE TO BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD? *Gasp* I've been deluded...Travesty... I know...

I suppose you could say that I've metamorphosed into a frigid cynic and skeptic ever since coming to this country, and having had my naievity battered and bruised by the harsh realities of life. This period of transition was indeed one of the most challenging periods I have ever had to go through (I admit, I am weak). Hmm...the effects of an extremely puritanical upbringing combined with a very liberal education. What is the consequence? An utterly flummoxed individual whom wishes for that simplicity that was once there, yet knows that ultimately, complexity will prevail.

I thought attaining an education would have made me a brighter person and thus sharpen my confidence. Ashamedly, I feel nothing but incompetent and dubious. On a daily basis, no, make that hourly basis, my confidence plummets as I stop to venerate (yes...venerate) the accomplishments of my peers and of other students. I can't help but feel threatened by these people. As I reflect on my accomplishments, they seem so trivial and insignificant compared to what a lot of people have achieved. A part of me knows I can do more than what I am currently achieving. I wonder, am I utilising my potential to the maximum? Or is this all I have been destined to be? Sheer complacency, is in my opinion, the much simpler option- you can never go wrong there; basically you can never FAIL. As I dwell further on this, I realise that I do not utilise my potential in any way that will jeopardise this complacency whose mould I have grown comfortable with. I have known no failure nor success I am a superficial and shallow person; I detest criticism and I absolutely fear failure. Yes, I believe, it all boils down to me... I know this is probably why I always waver and wallow. I never believed how you were your own worst enemy, but now I start to see this in myself. And I affirm...I am my OWN worst enemy.

It is safe to say that on a certain level, I am of the same intellectual calibre as other law students, but what I believe give these students an edge is their passion and zeal for the subject. This is what I believe is the key to success...the essence which I am truly lacking. How does one discover their true passion? I wish I knew. OK...there I go again sourcing for excuses not to do well. To a certain extent, although I know this is indeed a genuine issue which is of great concern, on another level I know I can use this for an excuse if I fail. Yes, I know, I should STOP wallowing in self-pity and MOVE ON! After all, I am Malaysian, so I should prioritise exams at the highest for now. Haha...ok...sorry...terrible stereoptype. And after that, I'll be able to occupy my law-vacated brain with this issue. Here's another flaw of mine; deviating from what should be the crucial focus in my life right now...exams. Yet, I choose to maintain that procrastination is natural.

I had been living in my own bubble for 20 such years. To this day, I am still intrigued as to how I got through life being the way I was, sheltered, naive and idealistic. The combination which will get you nowhere in the life that my parents or that I envisaged...ok...perhaps in a Sonia Utopia where everyone would be relaxed and no one would ever have to work. Despite all this, I am still struggling to grapple with the overwhelming pace of life and the havoc that reality wreaks. I need to stop over-analysing myself and move on. Yes, what my friend said was true, I need to say hello to reality. I've worked it out. It's ironically very simple, I have to embrace what ultimately inevitable...REALITY


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